Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
