Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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