We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
