New invention idea: vibrating tampons
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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