You're my little dorito
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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