Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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