I am in a vortex of obligation.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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