I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
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