Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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