I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
