Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
