I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
