i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
