It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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