so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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