went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
thus making me awesome and them whores
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize