i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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