ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
