Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I AM VODKA MAN
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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