he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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