It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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