well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Randomize
