dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
