Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
