apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You have to summon your inner elephant
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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