a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
