So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
oh god was she eating orange peels again
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
