lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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