I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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