At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
