She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
