So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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