I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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