So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
