omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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