big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
