in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
