Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
not ubering you a puppy
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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