Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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