yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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