All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Define "chronic" masturbator.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
