Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
