I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
