so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
