what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
