So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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