at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
