I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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