I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize