just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
