On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
