i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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