Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Randomize
