i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
