Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
