I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
