he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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